My dad wants me to find a day job that I can live with. My current day job makes me nauseous on a daily basis and want to claw my own eyes out at least once a week. This is extremely hard on me.
I remember being told as a kid that as long as I worked hard and did well in school, I could do what I wanted. And I worked hard and did well in school and went to a good college. I have my Bachelors of Fine Arts from one of the top schools in the country. It also happens to be one of the most useless degrees there is. It has absolutely NO relation to whether I will get a job in my field. I have my BFA in Acting.
::Laugh. No really, it’s ok.::
Now, as much as I love acting, I don’t want to be an actress any more. Performing is fun and I enjoy singing and pretending that I’m someone else for a while. But AUDITIONING I do not enjoy. It’s nerve wracking and stressful and you hear “No” a lot and that you’re too fat or too tall or too loud or too… If I’d known that being an actor was auditioning all the time, I might have tried something else sooner. Or taken more audition prep classes. Or…there are so many things I would do differently if I’d known then. But I didn’t.
Oklahoma isn’t known for it’s interest in the arts, much less encouraging them. So I just went along “knowing” that it would be hard, but not having any real idea what I was in for. No one I knew had ever even considered doing what I was doing. There wasn’t anyone in my life who could say, “Look, this was my experience. You might want to try it a different way.”
Now, I’m 34 trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I know I can’t keep doing what I’m doing.
And as I said, my dad wants me to find a day job I can live with. I love him for trying, but it isn’t something that he can fix. And the thing is, I want more than that. I want to be proud of what I do. I want to feel some sense of accomplishment. I want my job to use my creativity, because that is what I have to offer. It is my best self. I want to, at least some of the time, if not most of the time, be excited to go into work in the morning. Maybe I’m just a dreamer, as John Lennon said. Right now I just feel lucky if I don’t make someone’s life worse by the time we’ve finished our phone call.
I don’t want a job where I go to work from 9-5 and rush out so I can spend an hour or so doing whatever creative endeavor I’m working on at the moment. I don’t want my life to only be lived in the snatches of time I can find on the weekends.
I realize I’m rambling a little tonight. I just want it out in the Universe. I don’t mind hard work, I just want work I enjoy.